I found this... I wrote it just about a year ago... Yuk! Sorta funny, sorta sad!
I thought I should add it to my blog...
Okay.. so here goes. Who am I?
That’s the million-dollar question. I have until resent, thought I knew. Through this Blog, I hope to find out. I hope to share who I am and who I want to be and who I preserved to be. Who I think I am is a cardinal no, no. I am a mom. I am a mom, first! I have in fact lost myself in my children. Torn between instinct and advice.
Instinctively I do what I do for my kids, my family, my friends and then me. I know! I know! You are supposed to love yourself, first and foremost. That is how you learn to love others the way they should be loved. Still I love my kids first!. They are the air in my lungs. They are my blood line of my hearts beat. My heaven here on earth. I have never believed that I myself was destine foe greatness. But I knew before they were born that greatness would come through me. I bask in there potential. I have high expectations for my boys. I expect greatness. Still I know that they are merely men. That I will me furious, disappointed and broken hearted more then once. (That’s doesn’t even include their teenage years.) But I suspect that they will be good men. They are my gift to the world, to society , my promise to God. -- That’s a lot on my plate. I’ve got ‘miles to go before I sleep‘.
My husband. Wow! I did not even want to be married. For what? I never had the need to prove to other people that I was in love with him. I was. I am! I hope to always be. That being said I am really, truly happy to be married to him. He is a wonderful man. Kind. Loving! He’s a great father, an excellent provider. A unselfish lover! He’s a rOckStar! He listens as well as a man can. But tries harder than anyone I have ever known to please me. I am a lucky girl! He believes in God, family and forever. And he doesn’t fight with me. Go figure. I am blessed. I am 50 or so pounds over weight and he still tells me I am beautiful and sexy, all the time. He reaches out to touch me for no reason at all. He still after all these years gets goose bumps when I touch him. God created him for me.
LOL see, I forgot. This is about me. I wish I could say that I was a mix between Halle Berry, Oprah and Drew Bahramore (sp?) But I am not. I am good at a lot of things. I have issues with a lot of things. I am an average girl. I feel happy more than I feel sad. I had big dreams when I was younger and I have in fact let go of some of those. But I have new ones.
I was pretty fabulous when I was younger. Never the pretties girl, but cute enough. Never the smartest, but I could get by. Never the riches, but my life was good! I have two loving parents that are still married to each other and in love. A few real girlfriends and I have been friends with them for years My circle of friends are all great moms. Fun! Bright! My sisters and I are still super close. My SIL’s are fabulous! My life is good!
My job is a good job. Thought that’s a whole topic in itself. I ’m a flight attendant. How do I leave my kids… it’s not easy. It’s hard! It make me crazy once a week. (That’s how often I work) But I on average have 18 days off a month. I am at home more that most working moms. When my oldest son says he want to see grandma who live about 700 miles away. I say okay and we go. Free. When I need a sitter. My sister flies in from Washington DC ( to Arizona) for about $50. My boys play on the beach… Most kids in Arizona call that vacation. My boys call it a weekend. Its hard to let go. My girlfriend Sid just flew from Frankfort, Germany to San Diego for $300.00 round trip. That same weekend my mom and dad went to Napa Valley for the weekend. Last week my Uncle flew in from St Louis to Phoenix to watch the Rams play for $75.00 . It’s a good job!
My issues. I am fat. Fat enough that I don’t look at myself often. I don’t look at myself when I pass mirrors. It’s hard. I realized that as a scrapbooker I am writing myself out of my family history. That there are no pictures of me in my albums. I have stopped that. Good for my family. Bad for me. It makes me sad to see myself this way. I feel like people may think that I don’t love my children the way I should. Because I am abusing myself. I know all these things. I am trying to make a change. I am not sure when what people think of me started to matter. Also, I have gotten jealous in my old age. I recognize it and try not to be but I am. Not so much with things. I have a good life. But, organized, healthy, happy. Yuk! How do people do that. For instance I don’t know her but we have met a few times. Heidi Swapp. She is athletic, smart, witty, fun, attractive, creative and her persona shows a wonderful family life on top of being rich. I hate her. Okay I don’t really hate her , but I think she’s living my best life. Da*m her. LOL! I also am total unorganized and a procrastinator. I am not sure how this happened. My best friend Sid is a professional organizer. I am out of control. Our best friend Karen, is literally like a blooming flower everyday. She is on task. If she says it will get done. It will. (except laundry she hates that!) Your lucky if I comb my hair if I am at home. Both of them and my girlfriend Ann Marie put on make-up almost everyday. Good grief, who has time for that? I personally don’t want to see that much of myself!
... blah! blah! blah!
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